Friday, 1 April 2016

Disney Announces "Main Street USA" Movie

BURBANK - In a quiet press release this morning, chairman Alan Horn announced that Walt Disney Studios will begin production on a live-action feature film based on Main Street USA.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will star as Gart Williams, a modern executive who finds himself lost in the fast-paced world of today. Drowsing on his daily commute home, he catches a fleeting glimpse of an idyllic town where the streets are still lit by gas, ladies sport great feathered hats, and the horseless carriage is the newest thing. Was it only a dream, or something more? What is "Main Street USA"?

Main Street USA will continue the tradition of feature films based on Disney theme park attractions, including the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Tomorrowland, The Country Bears, Tim Burton's Dumbo the Flying Elephant, and Guillermo del Toro's hypothetical Haunted Mansion movie. Brad Bird has been signed on to direct this family action-adventure comedy romance.

"We might as well give him another chance," said Alan Horn. "Besides, we've been kind of doing a volume business lately." Bird was quoted as saying "Yeah, I guess I have to do it." He added "I've got a great sequence planned with Abraham Lincoln riding a Tyrannosaurus, so that'll be cool. Hopefully they don't cut the budget halfway through."

When asked about Disney's marketing strategy for Main Street USA, Horn stated "Well, we don't really know who we make our movies for. I figure we'll just kind of half-ass some advertising that doesn't really tell anybody what it's about or make them want to see it. Maybe we'll do one of those viral campaigns that the kids these days are so into, but only make it accessible to a small group of Disneyland passholders. Disney specializes in doing the impossible, like making a $250 million film and not promoting it."

Disney fans have begun buzzing about possible changes to Main Street USA if the movie proves successful. The website MiceChap has already speculated wildly at a replacement for The Walt Disney Story Featuring Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln And The Disney Gallery, immediately followed by complaints that it will not be an E-ticket simulator ride and that Universal Studios could do it better.

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